And I lost my best friend... to a man

I had always dreaded this day and its finally here. So my best friend is now hooked to a guy, she was a catch no doubt and here I am with a mix of feelings and I have no qualms about accepting that most of these are sad. I am happy about her happiness but grieve for my loss. Selfish? yes I am. I know for sure that she is not going to be the same just like my all other friends who got married. Somehow after getting hooked, especially to a man of your dreams, all priorities in life undergo a sea change atleast temporarily in the honeymoon phase.

And thats exactly what is going to happen to my friend, my friday buddy. I knew it was coming. I have seen her switch off even in the middle of a conversation and go into her own dreamland or suddenly awaken to a sms or excuse herself to a phone call or just wind up hurriedly because its time for her night chat. And from now on its all going to be more evident and rightful. I will always want to have my girlie time with you no matter what, S says. But I am sorry I wouldn't be able to do so anymore. Like many of my other married girlfriends I know you will still want to go out with me to feel the freedom of singlehood and joy of womanhood once in a while and then go back to your real world while I will be left to my loneliness.

I know its my problem but for a lot of reasons, I must admit that I avoid making friends with people who are married or hooked. Because firstly people who have crossed the river and are now on that side seem to forget that once upon a time they were on my side. They suddenly gain expertise in relationships and in life in general and feel that they have now seen it all and are a treausurer of all secrets of how to live life. I know I am being a little critical in here and generalising a lot but as I said before,the problem lies with me and not with any of you. I just cannot relate to you because I have never been there.

T is another Lucknow friend of mine who always insists that I spend weekends once in a while at her place. Now she has a 3 year old son and invites me for all family occassions, b'days, parties etc., and we are almost family to eachother in this big lonely city of Mumbai, and yet I just cannot push myself to go there. Husbands, kids, families, home food all this makes me puke. I feel miserable not because I dont like kids or family get togethers, it just makes my own life seem so worthless in comparison. It gets suffocating in that environment.

I wish I could just somehow overcome my own inhibitions and be comfortable in my own life to be able to stop loosing friends, good friends who are now married. There are so many of them who I have erased from my friends list and avoid meeting and talking to. I just hope they understand that I am not doing it on purpose, I am just happier this way. I know you have your own priorities and obligations and I have mine too but somehow we cannot relate to eachother anymore. More than you I myself keep feeling conscious about that fact your spouse/kid might be waiting and that this conversation and meeting of ours has a time line. The timeline kills the emotion, it creates an obligation.

Besides my friend S who will soon be out of my life, there are many others who have moved out and some more are in the process. H and N have moved to Bangalore and R moved to Pune in last 1 month. My neighbour A is moving out to some other department. Another A has moved to a different job and has gotten hooked too. I have fought with S and lost him too. My tea/lunch partner S is the only one still giving me company but she too will be getting hooked soon. In short my Mumbai portfolio of friends has collapsed and I need to make a new one now. Nothing seems to be permanent except for this loneliness.